I’ve always been a pretty happy person. More often than not, people tend to describe me as having a happy-go-lucky personality. But, what people don’t know about me is that I do have my off days.
Today just happens to be it.
Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t an emo post.
I just figured it probably do me good if I penned it out instead of keeping it bottled up inside.
You see, I’m currently employed in a soul-sucking job that is literally not what I dreamed of. The working hours are superbly odd and the pay is average. Heck, even the increment is from 0 to 2% – which amounts to a pay increase of just $60 or less. Sure, I don’t get called in on weekends but I do get the frequent texts from colleagues that I have to respond to. Given the pay I’m getting, I still can’t justify the need for my attention on the weekends or even holidays.
I often joke that going to work felt like me clocking in hours at a labour camp in North Korea. I had to report to work at an odd timing and leave work at an odd timing. Oh, and I’ve only got 47 minutes for lunch. Am I a retail assistant? No. I’m an executive, working at a desk with a limited timed lunch. If I used up more than 47 minutes, I ‘OWE’ the company time and if I didn’t pay the time back, my pay gets docked.
It’s 2017 but I’m working in a 1980s company.
I’m currently seeking a complete job change to an industry that I’ve longed to enter. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve had tried to pursue job opportunities in the media industry (what I wanted to do after graduation) but I’ve always gotten rejected. Even as a fresh graduate, I got turned away for a role that was meant for a fresh graduate! It’s suffice to say that the issue lies in the country I reside in; which prides itself in being a ‘paper-chasing’ nation. Though I didn’t have an elitist education, I still had a diploma and a degree but clearly, that wasn’t quality enough. So, I did my internships in roles that I didn’t particularly enjoy and ended up in my current job which has sucked a good portion of my aged soul.
With that said, here’s why today is just one of those days.
I’m 26, and when I look at other people my age, I see accomplishment and joy.
But when I look at myself, I see despodence and failure.
I see someone who is trapped in a monotonous routine.
I see someone who didn’t try harder in seizing the opportunities that were available.
I see someone who didn’t fight for their passion.
I see someone who didn’t fight for their dreams.
I see someone who gave up and settled.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not feeling sorry for myself.
I’m just feeling stifled by the decisions I’ve made this far in my life.
I’m just feeling frustrated with the system in place in my country.
I’m just feeling trapped in a life I created with my decisions.
I just want to break free… Like, literally.
But I don’t know how.
I wanted to go back to school but that costs money; which, given the walnuts I’m getting will only get me enrolled as a student in 2040.
So that left 2 other options: (1) Continue the never-ending search for that one job in the media industry or, (2) Take up a job that pays peanuts in the media industry.
I’ve been doing the first option for more than half a year and so far, no interviews for any that I’ve applied for. I’m seriously considering the second option though my mother isn’t so pleased with the idea.
But what’s a girl to do?
There are so many times when I wished I could just go: ‘Fuck this company – You’re stuck in a fucking time loop. I’m not going to be chained here anymore. PEACE OUT, BITCHES!’
It’s an ideal scenario but I can’t do that without a back-up plan.
So do I continue living in misery or continue to diligently send out the thousands of job applications hoping for one God-send response?
Sigh… Like I said – today is just one of those days.